The Bi Guy Eye

Discoveries in the BDSM community

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 00:10:44 -0400

I’ve thought a lot about what it is that I don’t like about the BDSM community. On some level, it has always felt connected to something I dislike in a kind of Venn-diagram of communities I call the Geekosphere: that overlapping universe of Neo-Pagans, BDSMers, Burners, Comicon, RenFaire, sci-fi cons, cosplay and the like. Basically anything where a Utilikilt is considered appropriate attire.

So what is it that connects all these communities? What I finally came to was that these groups all share a devotion to fantasy worlds. Often people in these communities go by made-up names that they don’t use in the real world. They split their identities, and they believe in or engage with their fantasy worlds more passionately than with the real world.

I find that devotion sad and distressing. I love the world and find it fascinating, and I want to explore it and engage with it. I want to make it clear that I’m not bothered by art or fantasy, but rather by the creation of worlds and fantasies as places to dwell.

Understanding my distaste this way has helped me to understand why I’m somewhat more comfortable with some communities Burners and members of religions of historical pedigree than I am with more outright fantasists: Burners deserve credit for creating in reality the fantasy world they want to live in, at least for moments in time; and members of traditional religions, while believing in fantasies, are at least believing in fantasies that have been around long enough to have become the basis of cultures in the real world.

So where is the BDSM community in all of this? It’s a culture of fantasy, in the sense that people create identities and situations that are out of touch with their own realities. That’s not the BDSM I want. I want BDSM that’s an organic part of a true and intimate relationship, or at least an organic creation between two (or more) people getting off. That can and does happen in the BDSM community, but it’s not really what the community is about.

Asian Fridays

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 10:03:49 -0400

Asian Fridays

Kink Thursdays

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 10:02:23 -0400

Kink Thursdays

Hunk Wednesdays

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 10:04:24 -0400

Hunk Wednesdays

Babe Tuesdays

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 10:05:15 -0400

Babe Tuesdays

Bi Mondays

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 10:03:40 -0400

Bi Mondays

Guy-guy Sundays

Sun, 22 Apr 2012 10:03:37 -0400

Guy-guy Sundays

Girl-girl Saturdays

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 09:07:00 -0400

Girl-girl Saturdays

Asian Fridays

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 09:40:00 -0400

Asian Fridays

San Francisco

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 10:46:51 -0400

Heading out to San Francisco for a couple weeks. Hoping I’ll get a chance to sneak away and enjoy some of the city’s famous sex spots, like Eros or Blow Buddies (where I once had a lovely evening getting fucked in a sling). We shall see!

Kink Thursdays

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 10:00:15 -0400

Kink Thursdays

Hunk Wednesdays

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 09:26:10 -0400

Hunk Wednesdays

Babe Tuesdays

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 10:02:48 -0400

Babe Tuesdays

OMing OMG

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 11:00:37 -0400

Yesterday I had my first experience of orgasmic meditation, or OMing, as it’s known. It’s a technique developed in the One Taste community, and at its most basic, it’s a fifteen-minute practice in which a man uses his index finger to stimulate a woman’s clitoris.

The session yesterday was held in my apartment and led by the woman I’ve taken as a life coach, C, along with a male partner she’d brought along. My parter was L, a woman I’ve been dating, whom I met at a speed dating event led by my life coach, and who’s also done some life coaching with her.

After lengthy preliminary discussion, we got down to the business at hand. We created a “nest,” a comfortable space on my living room floor, with blankets, pillows for the woman’s head and her spread legs, and a place for the man to sit. Then my life coach took off her pants, and L and I were invited to observe and comment on C’s pussy, describing in detail everything we saw, staying with very concrete terminology. We were asked to continue to note and mention our sensations and observations as the man set to work stroking C’s clit for fifteen minutes.

Eventually it was time for L and me to take our turn. It was a peculiar experience to go at a woman’s pussy with none of the intuitive excitement of typical sex, not aiming for any result in particular, and with two other people leaning in close, making observations, and giving pointers on exactly where and how to put my fingers. I came away lightheaded, and though I felt calm in the moments afterward, there was a jitteriness that stayed with me for the rest of the night.

I found the experience strange, and maybe uncomfortable, on several levels. There was the clinical aspect of it, designed to separate sexual experience completely from romance. It’s funny that I’m much more comfortable with that separation when there’s still a space for shared sexual hunger and excitement. In this practice, though, I felt like there was an uncomfortable denial of male sexuality, as if male orgasm in its traditional sense were something to be overcome or superseded rather than celebrated and enjoyed. I didn’t get hard at any point during the process, and it’s designed such that one doesn’t move from OMing to “sexing” (which makes me think of Japanese people staring at chicks), because that could turn the OM process into a demand for something else. The discussion often turned to building and diminishing “tumescence,” which is described as the energy or feeling of stimulation in the broadest sense, but there wasn’t really any discussion of male sexuality directly.

Connected with that absence was an underlying sexual politics that I’m not sure I feel comfortable with. OMing seems to be highly heteronormative, a sexual practice focused exclusively on male-female couples. There was also a moment that struck me as revealing: when L was concerned about needing a towel later, I jumped up to fetch one so that she could stop worrying about it. The man called out my action as positive, noting that an important part of OMing is “male-female dynamics,” where the role of the man includes responding to the needs of the woman and providing whatever makes her comfortable. On its surface this can look rather feminist — after all, it’s a practice in which female sexual pleasure is celebrated, male sexual desire is suspended, and the man is responsible for ensuring the woman’s safety and comfort — but there’s also something reactionary in it, in which the man is the caregiver and provider, while the woman takes a passive and receptive role.

It was a worthwhile experience, and I’m glad I tried it. I might try it again, with L or with others. My first experience, though, didn’t make me feel like it was something I’d want to put at the center of my sexuality.

L and I followed up our OMing session with the Kinky Jews Chocolate Seder, which put me into another sexual community I haven’t exactly loved, the New York BDSM and fetish scene. By the end of the night (after some unfortunate struggles with the MTA and a taxi driver who couldn’t find the Brooklyn Bridge from Houston Street), I was exhausted and wrung out. As I lay in bed, I found that what I really wanted, more than BDSM or OMing or any other sort of sexual adventure, was love. I want a partner, a lover, a best friend, a companion who understands me and connects with me. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in love, and I miss it.

Bi Mondays

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 10:02:01 -0400

Bi Mondays

Guy-guy Sundays

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 09:25:51 -0400

Guy-guy Sundays

Girl-girl Saturdays

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 10:24:50 -0400

Girl-girl Saturdays

James Joyce or Kool Keith? (Via The World’s Best Ever)

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 16:01:20 -0400

James Joyce or Kool Keith? (Via The World’s Best Ever)

Weekend roundup

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 13:29:06 -0400

Happy Friday! What’s on tap for this weekend:

Friday night: Tatiana Plus at The Triad
Saturday night: Date night at Croton Lounge Nuts & Bolts Party
Sunday: Persian Parade
Sunday afternoon: Orgasmic meditation (more on that later)
Sunday night: Kinky Seder + After-party

Homework, Day 1

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 10:51:52 -0400

Yesterday was Day 1 of my life coaching homework to compliment six women a day.

I did it.

I told four different women at work that I liked some article of clothing they were wearing. The harder part was out on the street, being bolder. I passed on a few good opportunities out of nervousness, but then I approached a woman who was sitting on the Post Office steps near Penn Station, holding an NYC travel guide and writing in a journal. “I just wanted to tell you that you caught my eye, and you’re beautiful,” I told her. “Have a nice day!” She gave a flattered laugh and thanked me.

The last was a woman on the street. I said she was beautiful, and she ignored me. That was the only response I got that wasn’t positive and flattered.

Now to do it all again today!